Monday, February 15, 2010


Rope-A-Dope-- refers to a boxing technique made famous by M. Ali. The idea is that he would get into a defensive stance and let's his opponent beat him up. The opponent would think he was winning because of all the landed hits. Meanwhile Ali is posted up, waiting for the other guy to get tired, then he comes off the ropes, K.O's the other guy and its a rap.

I like that idea and it's an applicable like approach as well. However, in this situation...I'm the fucking other guy...and I got Ali-ed.

My sister E met a boy in January. This was delightful to me because I figured once she was occupied and entertained the focus on my unconventional 'relationship' with the banker would no longer be in the spot light.

So she sends me a BBM in the class we have together: 'what are you doing Friday at 9'

Side bar: the correct way to answer this question is "why?" If you're like me and say "mmm...nada, what's up" you are already saying yes to whatever the plan is. See how I don't have any defenses up? See how my ass is just runnin around the ring all willy-nilly like I don't need to protect my face!

Ok, so she then asks me if I'll go bowling at the spot in Harlem. She explains that her new boo is bringing his buddy from college and he asked E to bring a friend too. She then explained that she really wanted me to get to know her lil boo better and it was gonna mean a lot to her if I went.

So, I say yes because I am dumb and because I love E. I make it very clear that I want the guy-friend to know that I am there as E's sister. Not as nobody's date. I don't go on dates like that. And, if I did? Trust. It wouldn't be a blind one to go bowling.

So the Friday night rolls around and we head to the spot. I'm not sure what to wear because E keeps insisting it's 'totally casual. Real chill'. So I put on a black v-neck tee. Skinny jeans, my fucking Nikes... And for good measure I put on a nicer cardigan and, like real make-up. E is wearing like, boots, and a nice coat and like, I'm thinking, whatever....this is HER date. I'm here to like.... Bowl.

Went we get there I see E's boo and he explains that his friend... Is in the bathroom. we'll call my date "Elliott"

When Elliott does appear I do the mental filing that every person on earth does when they meet someone of the opposite sex:
My thoughts went like this---
'Hum...tall, nice clothes. Not that hot. Sort of not fit. Probably very nice. I def. Could never date him.... I don't wanna even bang it out.... Category: after tonight I'll never see this kid again.'

Seems shallow, but act like that's now how it really happens.

I am immediately played when I meet him. He says something to effect of "it isn't often I get to take beautiful girls out... Of course its on me."


This is a 'taking me out' why the fucckkkk is this a date?

This bowling alley was the kind of place that had a full bar in it. E and I go and buy the first round. So all 4 of us re having a beer, getting ready to bowl and Elliott and I start making small talk. As I we chat I realize a few things. 1- He has a great personality. 2- He isn't "ugly". He's more teddy bear cute. 3- I am on a date. Personality is my kryptonite. I am a sucker for a good vibe. I'm also a natural born flirt and, contrary to popular belief, I am really freakin nice.... so it pretty clear how this is going to go down.

To quicken this story I'll hit up the highlights:

- I start drinking like a fish because Elliott is stressing me out. For ever compliment he dished, cheap feel he copped, and follow-up date he arranged, I drank. So much that after the 2 hour bowling session I'd had 7-8 beers. The boys? they had 1. E? she had 3.

- So now I'm that drunk girl, talkin shit, getting belig. Cussing every time I roll a gutter ball, talking shit to Elliott and E's date, etc.

- Elliott make a bet that if I out score him, he picks our next date, and if he outscores me, I pick it. my response is "well. I guess I respect your hustle, Elliott." What.

- He keeps on getting hugs and has me sit on his knee like I'm some kind of child. I don't sit on nobody's knee and all that close talking is weird.

- He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I say "no....but I'm not single either." I pulled the Eyrkah Badu Next Life Time intro move "... you know, I'm in a situation...." He responds that he is up for the challenge. In life if he sees something he likes, He'll go after it. And he is more than ready to make my #1 disappear. What.

-When we leave bowling he is walking with me in the street. I am trying to BBM my friends/ text the banker a fast as possible. he then HOLDS MY HAND AND PUTS IT INSIDE OF HIS COAT POCKET FOR WARMTH. I want to puke all over him at this point. a) you're trying to keep me from texting. Yes is rude, but you don't need to be trying to regulate my behavior, guy. b) you're holding my hand inside your pocket and it's gross.

- We get to this bar and E realizes she left her tab open at the bowling alley. So she and her boo go back to get it. And I am just there, drunk.

- As I mentioned before, he has a good personality. So, I tell him I'm really hungry, since I drank my dinner at the bowling alley. We go to his car and head to the IHOP in Harlem.

- On the way he keeps referring to me as "his perfect Clair Huxtable." what. That is fucking weird. You don't know me.

- He keeps making references to me as his future wifey. "...lets say, you and I get married...." And he keeps pouring compliments on me. All I can think is "this wasn't supposed to be a date."

- He was weird about food. I order a fat Omelet and he gets pancakes. He doesn't use the butter and he askes for sugar-free syrup. Not a problem at all.... but he kept like talking about it. Things like "I've been back in the gym lately" or "if you and I have kids, we'll have to make sure they are active in sports because their daddy has big genes." whyyyy.

The end of the night:

We leave IHOP after a good conversation, and a part of me is sorry that I can't/won't date this kid. A small, small part.

He tells me that he'd like to take me out again on Feb. 19th. Somewhere downtown for jazz, and he let me know upfront that he was comfortable being #2 right now and that he was working for the #1 spot. That made my skin crawl. I felt like Carrie in the episode when she and Miranda are trying on ugly wedding dresses, and because Carrie doesn't really want to marry Aiden she has the aaa (acute anxiety attack) and has to rip the dress off. I NEVER confirmed these dates. I NEVER did anything to make him think I was in to him. I treated him like I treat all my platonic relationships. I swear.

We get to my house and I tell him good night. He insists on walking me to my door. I am dying. At the door he starts in on the speech about how great the night was, etc. I give him some awkward hug and try to slip in my door. He has my arm and pull me back. DIE.

He gives me a kiss on the cheek and I return it. I don't even know why. Then he goes for ANOTHER kiss on the cheek-fake-out and tried to fucking kiss me. Here's where shit gets real.

I PUT MY HAND OUT TO HALT HIM. (read: sp awkward and unpleasant for everyone.) and I am visible shaking my hand and I may or may not have been hand gesturing to him as well. Here is me: "No, no, no, no, no. No, Elliott. No. No." Really, Sesh? Like.... seriously?

He then proceeds to beg me. Yup. Shameless begging " Please.... Please, just one Kiss? Please."

Me: (more hand gestures) No Elliott. No..... but, I had a great night, drive home safe!" POOF: I disappear into my building feeling all icky and sick.

Then the texts, and calls begin. I find out that this "date" on the 19th is actually his birthday. Who asks a stranger who isn't that into you to be the birthday date? I spend most of the week ignoring the calls and responding to the text as seldom as possible. It gets worse when I find out from E that Elliot told E's boy that he felt like we had a major connection and really clicked. What. What. Whatttttt is this!?

"Elliott, No." Is the new punchline between me, my sister and my Mom. It's the 2010 version of "Scotty, Don't" that SM and RSJ coined in 2007.

Thing is, I don't know how to get out of the date on the 19th. Yea, thats on Friday. I don't want to be a bitch, but I am not going. I like, cannot go. I feel so bad that my drunk ass somehow made this boy feel like he'd met his future wife. Even worse.... if he didn't lay it on so thick and scare me so much we could have at least been friends. my best guy friend Karl is going to be in town on the 19th, so I'm hoping I can somehow use that as a valid get-out-of-date-free card.

In this scenario, I am the dope. All night I thought I was runnin things. And end the end I got knocked the fuck out.


Sarah M said...

you know I love you -- but this story is epic-ly hilarious to me. this is exactly as I pictured it when you were telling me the snippets.

dude. you canNOT go on a date with this dude. he needs to be with real friends on his bday.. if there were no other red flags before (which there are a plethora of), this is a huge one.

hahahaha i'm dying for you.

and "contrary to popular belief, I am really freakin nice...." you are dude! but not for this kid.

Sesh said...

Sarah, it's taken me SO long to tell this full story because it's so awkward and terrible. I feel terrible for this kid, but like... wtf am I supposed to do. Effing played girl.

Also, Mommy said that he had Man-boobs and I'm too fly for him ANYWAYS. hahahahahahaaha

Sarah M said...

hahahahahahaha.. and my obsession for Cynthia continuesss hahahahahah

Akili said...

I don't know when I laughed harder--at the Khloe-sexy-awkwardness on KUWTK or reading this post. This is the most awkward-disaster-hilarious story I've ever read! Not that I'm judging this kids life, {but apparently I am} he's a total reformed FATTY. Who says "when we have kids, they have to be active b/c daddy has bad genes" on a FIRST "DATE". Ummm...bad genes is such a turn-on???? Please stop. Secondly, who BEGS for a kiss from a drunk girl??? FAILURE, sir! And after you RAN FROM HIM drunkenly to get away, he's pursuing you HARD as his birthday date??? Again. Please stop.

Funny shit, Sesh. Funny shit.

Ashton said...

duplicate lives. i swear. :)

except, of course, yours plays out in a much better setting...

Stately Lady said...

Yeah, this was sad, yet hilarious on so many levels. Love it. And good luck with that one, Sesh. :)

Franklin said...

Die diee dieeeee hahahaa....rope a dope.... that is amazing this made my day. The thing is... the no no no no....I feel like this is similar to Mom popping off at the airport to the TSA people telling her to move... classic.

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