It's Time to Talk About the Banker.

I'm going to try to divulge a little more here now in 2010. I get e-mails from yall asking questions about things I've posted and I wonder to myself, "why didn't I just explain that shit in the post"

Because of the aforementioned trend, I figured it's time to address the whole deal with the Banker. I can't really give a play by play because I'd be exhausted and you'd be annoyed... but the condensed version:

The banker is a great guy, with a couple carry-on sized bags of luggage. Me? I'm a dope chick.... I'm carrying a couple trunks. Oh well, that's life blah blah. Add in a sprinkle of bad timing, a dash of self-sabatoge, a pinch of too-many-outside-opinions, all mixed up in a Cool Hand Luke- sized "failure to communicate" and you pretty much can paint the picture.

All of that happened in 2009, and you know, eff that year, it's 2010 bitches! So I figure instead of going backwards, why not start with a little disclosure on the current state of affairs:

A lesson from boss bitch 101-- keep it movin.
If it's done it's done, when you're resolved, you're resolved. My old self (pre- New York) was cold-blooded in how I played the game.... I mean like, No phone-number-storing, ignore-you-all-night, never-respond-to-your-text, kick-you-out-cuz-this-bitch-don't-cuddle, forget-your-face-I-swear-I- will, type of stuff. So when I cut things off with the Banker right before finals because in Old Self's mind I was gonna go home for break, get over him in 10 days, then come back here, newly iceboxed and ready to continue in my don't love them, please leave them way of life. Well, let me just say. I have dug down real deep. I mean... real deep. And I can barely find even a hint of the Bad Bitch that used to live inside. Where is she? I don't know. But instead of taking a minute to evaluate the situation, I just figured If I can feign Boss mindset, the soon it will come back.

I could maintain the boss attitude for a little while. Like, I'd be spouting off to my girls, detailing how I'm "icing this muhfugga out all week" or how I'm "on to the next one" or how "I deleted ALLLLLL his shit." you know.... standard boss talk.....But what would I ALSO do?? creep on the down low. text, calls, emails, still all "boo's & babe"..... Pretty much fail.

I can't exactly quit. I just cannot walk away with my middle finger in the air. And I (was) completely baffled.

I mean, when it comes down to it, what I really think is that something is very different with my banker-friend and I. The big thing is that I true life care about the kid. And to be honest, that's a lot harder than not giving a fuck. Unfortunately "Sorry, I actually like you" isn't really an appropriate or coherent way to break things off with someone. Idk if y'all knew that or not....

This leads me to my 2nd 2010 resolution: Try a little.

Seems a bit vague, but I know what it means. for one-- it would be cool to take a risk or two, you know, with the feelings. Try and at least find a door for which someone could enter, if I can't completely lower the guard.... right? Really, the bankers best friend called me a couple nights ago and pretty much staged a one man intervention. Very intense, but it was sort of a good thing.

I was talking to a fellow Boss, Bateman. We often commiserate in the rediculousness of how a year ago thoughts/feelings/behaviors would have never even crossed our minds. This past week we swapped advice on everything from date outfits, to how to be less aloof. The best, by far was when we both admitted to trying on our respective man-friend's last names (hyphenated, of course). I mean, whatever, no biggie in real life.... but a biggie for a Boss.

Boss Bitch mentality? As K.Beau would say "great idea in theory, bad idea in practice." I don't want to be an Icebox anymore. but I don't want to be a stupid girl either. What I do know is that maybe I'll have to evolve, and evolution takes a lot of time. And a lot of the fittest just figuring out how to survive....

baby steps, y'all.