Feelings are not my Forte.

A major part of the MSW curriculum at Columbia is the completion of 2 year long externships. One that the school picks for you during the first year, and in the second year you pick your own. This year I am placed at this agency in the Bronx called Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) and I am working with a program called Homeless Outreach Team (HOT). The program is extremely successful in that they have a very high rate of permanent housing placements and the percent of street homeless has decreased by 41% in the last year. OK, that's enough of my shameless plug, haha. I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the obvious next question is. Something to the effect of "What exactly is Seshie doing working with homeless people" (??) No worries. I have asked myself that a million times. I mean, you all know me, I'm a little bourgie, let's just be honest. I feel like the Office of Field Advisement could SMELL the entitlement on me, could see my upturned nose through my application--- and honestly it is the best thing that could have happened to me, not just for my education, but for my life. This placement, and this program have become the most challenging but rewarding things I have ever done... Ok, let me back up.

What am I doing?
I am officially a social work intern and Caseworker with HOT. My supervisor is a CUSSW alum and he works with me daily, helping me to improve my skills, develop a professional identity, and overall guiding me through the 1st year placement. I have a client load of individuals who have all be defined as street homeless for a minimum of 6months. My job is to help them get housing, and, because I'm an MSW candidate, there is am emphasis on the clinical needs of my clients as well.

What makes this harder for someone like me (besides the obvious, and the brutal 7am commute) is the fact that Columbia is not effing around with us. They have challenged everything I believe, all the values I have and are slowly but surely forming a social worker. I guess they didn't get their reputation as "The First and the Finest" for nothing.

One of the things I have to do are these Process Recordings. Where I copy down a engagement I've had with a client as close to verbatim as possible, as a dialogue. Then in another column I say what my gut feelings and thoughts are, and in the 3rd column I list what skills I use in the conversation. At the end I have to state my observations, overall assessment and analysis, and my plan for follow up. I know it doesn't seem like much, but imagine then having you supervisor go over it with you and discussing it as you go. I'm lucky my supervisor is as awesome as he is, but this process is PAINFUL for me! I'm not a very outwardly emotional person, and so discussing my FEELINGS is damn near asking me to bust out some Japanese or something. I have to turn in 2 a week, and we sit for upwards of an hour talking about them. It's getting a little bit easier, but I guess I never knew this program would be such a challenge on every non-academic front known to man.

This is the most I've ever pushed myself or been pushed, and I'm amazed that I'm more or less ok with it and actually enjoying the process. Its funny because the things about me that I consider "set" and "that's just how I am" are the same things that I have got to face in order to do well here.

For example: in my Foundations of Social Work class we spend 1 hour in lecture, 1 hour being the "client" while another student is the "social worker" and the last hour the roles are reversed with a new partner. Well we had our first session last week. During the oh-too-fun verbal feedback session my partner gave me wonderful, high marks on everything...except for in 3 areas. She said "You're saying all the right things, but it doesn't exactly sound sincere. Because I know how you are (that effing phrase) I know you aren't fake... But as a client...its more difficult" Um. Kick me in the nuts a little harder please. Haha nah, I'm grateful for the feedback and I know exactly what she means. Its like the time I met one of SM's friends from Durham and he realized I worked with his cousin. I reply "ah! That's crazy. I'm so excited to meet you." And his response? "Wow. That was the least sincere thing I've ever heard." I died because, I was being serious (!!) Idk if you know it or not, but ', 'cold' and 'aloof' are NOT how a social worker wants to be described. The irony of the situation is that these traits are the same ones that cause me difficulty in relationships and in friendships (especially now ones). My new friends can't decide how to interpret my cold and blunt demeanor at first. One of the first nights me and all my new girls hung out, we were all a lil tipsy and I suppose I said something. Out of nowhere Morgan says "You have an ice box where your heart used to be" I laughed at first b/c like, she quoted Omarion!...but surprise, she was drunkenly serious. FML
In relationships, I'm magically "over it" in a matter or days, or I have no explanation or commentary for questions like "what are you feeling?" The inevitable "let's talk about _______." Leaves my mind blank. I have close to no interest in having THAT kind of talk. Ever.

So, this personality of mine, which has been just fine for the past my whole life, is now needing some serious tweaking... And I sort of have no clue what that will be like. So if I call you up, wanting to talk about feelings, or you find my tone and cadence filled with inflection and expressive tones, don't be alarmed... I'm just progressing...its all long overdue anyways, I just never thought my Master's degree would depend on this...yikes.

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