Feelings are not my Forte.

A major part of the MSW curriculum at Columbia is the completion of 2 year long externships. One that the school picks for you during the first year, and in the second year you pick your own. This year I am placed at this agency in the Bronx called Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) and I am working with a program called Homeless Outreach Team (HOT). The program is extremely successful in that they have a very high rate of permanent housing placements and the percent of street homeless has decreased by 41% in the last year. OK, that's enough of my shameless plug, haha. I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the obvious next question is. Something to the effect of "What exactly is Seshie doing working with homeless people" (??) No worries. I have asked myself that a million times. I mean, you all know me, I'm a little bourgie, let's just be honest. I feel like the Office of Field Advisement could SMELL the entitlement on me, could see my upturned nose through my application--- and honestly it is the best thing that could have happened to me, not just for my education, but for my life. This placement, and this program have become the most challenging but rewarding things I have ever done... Ok, let me back up.

What am I doing?
I am officially a social work intern and Caseworker with HOT. My supervisor is a CUSSW alum and he works with me daily, helping me to improve my skills, develop a professional identity, and overall guiding me through the 1st year placement. I have a client load of individuals who have all be defined as street homeless for a minimum of 6months. My job is to help them get housing, and, because I'm an MSW candidate, there is am emphasis on the clinical needs of my clients as well.

What makes this harder for someone like me (besides the obvious, and the brutal 7am commute) is the fact that Columbia is not effing around with us. They have challenged everything I believe, all the values I have and are slowly but surely forming a social worker. I guess they didn't get their reputation as "The First and the Finest" for nothing.

One of the things I have to do are these Process Recordings. Where I copy down a engagement I've had with a client as close to verbatim as possible, as a dialogue. Then in another column I say what my gut feelings and thoughts are, and in the 3rd column I list what skills I use in the conversation. At the end I have to state my observations, overall assessment and analysis, and my plan for follow up. I know it doesn't seem like much, but imagine then having you supervisor go over it with you and discussing it as you go. I'm lucky my supervisor is as awesome as he is, but this process is PAINFUL for me! I'm not a very outwardly emotional person, and so discussing my FEELINGS is damn near asking me to bust out some Japanese or something. I have to turn in 2 a week, and we sit for upwards of an hour talking about them. It's getting a little bit easier, but I guess I never knew this program would be such a challenge on every non-academic front known to man.

This is the most I've ever pushed myself or been pushed, and I'm amazed that I'm more or less ok with it and actually enjoying the process. Its funny because the things about me that I consider "set" and "that's just how I am" are the same things that I have got to face in order to do well here.

For example: in my Foundations of Social Work class we spend 1 hour in lecture, 1 hour being the "client" while another student is the "social worker" and the last hour the roles are reversed with a new partner. Well we had our first session last week. During the oh-too-fun verbal feedback session my partner gave me wonderful, high marks on everything...except for in 3 areas. She said "You're saying all the right things, but it doesn't exactly sound sincere. Because I know how you are (that effing phrase) I know you aren't fake... But as a client...its more difficult" Um. Kick me in the nuts a little harder please. Haha nah, I'm grateful for the feedback and I know exactly what she means. Its like the time I met one of SM's friends from Durham and he realized I worked with his cousin. I reply "ah! That's crazy. I'm so excited to meet you." And his response? "Wow. That was the least sincere thing I've ever heard." I died because, I was being serious (!!) Idk if you know it or not, but ', 'cold' and 'aloof' are NOT how a social worker wants to be described. The irony of the situation is that these traits are the same ones that cause me difficulty in relationships and in friendships (especially now ones). My new friends can't decide how to interpret my cold and blunt demeanor at first. One of the first nights me and all my new girls hung out, we were all a lil tipsy and I suppose I said something. Out of nowhere Morgan says "You have an ice box where your heart used to be" I laughed at first b/c like, she quoted Omarion!...but surprise, she was drunkenly serious. FML
In relationships, I'm magically "over it" in a matter or days, or I have no explanation or commentary for questions like "what are you feeling?" The inevitable "let's talk about _______." Leaves my mind blank. I have close to no interest in having THAT kind of talk. Ever.

So, this personality of mine, which has been just fine for the past my whole life, is now needing some serious tweaking... And I sort of have no clue what that will be like. So if I call you up, wanting to talk about feelings, or you find my tone and cadence filled with inflection and expressive tones, don't be alarmed... I'm just progressing...its all long overdue anyways, I just never thought my Master's degree would depend on this...yikes.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I took them off!

This will seem pretty silly to most of you, but, after a long chat with my new banker friend, and a couple days to think about it... I took my bracelets off (!!) Most likely only my old friends will know how big of a deal that is (ask SM to tell you the story about the time I fell coming out of the bathroom in the PBP basement and my brown bangle broke.... whew.) The thing is, I don't plan to replace them. I'm just gonna go sans bracelets for a while. It's a strange feeling sort of, not gonna lie!

My Beef with girls: Life Lessons from White Oleander.

This post has been a work in progress over the weeks. It started after a particular wall post I go from a girl who isn't even my friend, many talks with various friends, watching E! news, and reflecting a bit on my own relationship style in the past and what that means for me currently and in the future.

A little sidebar. Here are some emotions you should not feel while reading this: a) personal attack. get real. I'm not talking to any to or about anyone specifically, but rather a type. It just so happens that a lot of girls are this type. oh well. If for some reason you get that deja vu feeling that we've had this conversation before.... we probably have. So you're not surprised-- ergo, you're not upset. If you are upset, be upset with yourself, not me haha. b) bad for me. The most wasteful thing in the world is pitying someone else. I do it more than I like to, and I absolutely hate someone feeling sorry for me. Please. Thats where this post originated from. Some girl who's phone number isn't even in my cell, deciding to feel bad for me. c) any other emotion, really. You guys know me. I'm consistent with my opinions. More than that, I'm really not mean. take it with a grain of salt, I'm part way joking, but mostly it's written with a serious tone--- with a slight undertone of a joke. real slight. Almost not even there.

I remember reading this book back in high school, excellent read--- but this post isn't about the book.

I was this post on that tumblr I love, and nearly flipped this morning. I finally felt like I could take this post out of the "drafts" a post it.

There is a part in the book where the main character is visiting her mother (who is in jail) and she give her this little pearl of advice:

Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space, the best you can do is know yourself, know what you want.

....and the people say, AMEN. JM&J! This is one of the most true statements I have ever heard. I don't fully understand what makes girls behave as they do, and I suppose that is the beauty of individuality, however, the type of girl this quote describes is the complete opposite of girl I think of myself to be. So, imagine my growing frustration/confusion with this kind of girls. Some famous examples?

Jessica Simpson. Marrys Nick Lachey. Leaves him, has a string of boyfriends who she smothers (Tony Romo, John Mayer) and in between her break ups processed to gain obvious "I hate myself because I'm single again" weight and is seen in all of the tabloids looking unhappy, sour, and pathetic. Where is her career? Example 2: Lindsey Lohan. Dates Samantha Ronson. She becomes a giant clinger, at all of Ronson's DJ-ing gigs, runs around in leggings and see through tank tops-- no bra. Loses more and more weight so she and Rosons can be twins, with Lohan in said leggings and Ronson is skinny jeans and giant tennis shoes. They break up, Lindsey embarrasses herself on her twitter and every other possible public venue. Restraining orders, more drunken coked up debacles... and all the while, she still can't work because she gave up her life and compromised herself for her relationship.

More?? Amy Winehouse (talented as hell, dates and marries "blake incarcerated" and is hooked on black tar heroin, crack rocks, booze. Is a dirty toothless, scab covered skeleton with a nappy weave and no career.) Usher (in this situation, he is the stupid bitch. not his soon to be ex wife. had a legit career, gets caught up with this old lady who is his stylist. Fires his mom, marries said old lady, gets her preg. TWICE. she has secret plastic surgery in another country and almost dies--- and now they are divorcing. And where, pray tell, is his career??) Jennifer Anniston (lost BRAD PITT to Angelina. That is awful. Please have the dignity to pick yourself up and stop dating people and being dumped over and over. and stop being Rachel from friends please, thanks.), Jennifer Lopez (takes another woman's husband-- and he is a loser, and her career is a joke because she only does his lame ass projects and he isn't relevant and neither is she.) I could go on and on, and unfortunately I could add to this list the majority of my friends.

I'm on no high horse, trust me. I've been this girl before involved in this type of BS shenanigans, letting my self worth and value in life be defined by the guy I'm with. That never goes well. I'd never do it again, and, I honestly feel bad for others who are in this situations. Mainly for the ones who don't know it-- actually, it could possibly be worse for girls/guys who DO know it (but thats a life lesson for another rainy day).

I had this conversation with a good friend, MO'C. She and I are cut from the same cloth. Nice girls, lots of girl friends, blah blah blah-- oh, and don't forget: the made-of-steel walls up guarding ourselves, specifically our hearts. Like myself, MO'C understands a fundamental truth about life. You only have yourself at the end of the day. Why would you lay down and become a doormat, on on-call ego stroke for some guy? Why would you be seen out with someone who is embarrassing/annoying/rude/degrading/insulting/ugly/ immature/cheats on you/boring/ignorant/out of shape/poorly dressed/poorly groomed/disrespectful/ doesn't like your friends/your friends don't like him/cheap/lazy/non committal/blurred family boundaries? If you want to feel like shit, treat yourself life shit. If you're lonely, go out in public, If you "just want someone there" go jump off a bridge. Girls who use relationships as the two feet they stand on make me angry. What does that say about girls who don't? is there something wrong with being single and self sufficient? This brings me to this: written on my wall some months ago.

What is that? Why is that 1)something you're concerned with, girl-I-wasn't-even-friends-with-in-high school? 2) why is it on my WALL? are you on Crack. do you not understand that if I didn't have a blackberry I wouldn't have seen that message for days because Who really uses the computer version of Facebook anymore, AMIRITE? (I am obsessed with that little mash-up phrase now!) Honestly, that wallposting alone was the starting point for my whole what the eff, girls feelings that I've been having. I swear.

Another friend who is the epitome of standing on her own two is RSJ. One thing I hate is when someone asks your advice, does the opposite, then runs back to you, wanting help cleaning up the mess. with RSJ its the complete opposite. This is usually how it goes:

RSJ: I'm thinking of doing [insert activity that may or may not be a good idea]

Me: ... I don't know, RSJ... this is probably a shitty idea because of x,y,z

RSJ: [later] well, I decided to do _______. It was a bad idea, dammit.

And we move on.

Accountability and commonsense goes a long way.

To round out this life-lesson/rant: I actually don't really care what anyone does with any guy or girl. At the end of the day, it isn't my problem or concern. What does sadden/enrage me is watching my friends go through life and have no clue of their own self worth or personal value. These are the kinds of girls who become women, married to the wrong guy-- the one she settled for. Popping out babies and living a shitty life where they continue to lose themselves in a guy.... But it doesn't really matter, because they didn't take the time to find out who they were in the first place.

Ok, Cyber hugs to you all. End Of Rant.

Personal Style Inventory.

Just took this interesting survey. I have taken this type of thing before, but never one like this. As I'm getting older I'd like to do some figuring out, you know, those big life questions. Who am I, my likes dislikes. Lets be honest, I know the answer to those things in a sense, obviously, but I'm curious about what all it means in the big scheme of things. Whatever. Point is, as usual, my personality/personal style type was spot on based on the survey. I don't think I was even surprised. My kind are easy to read. If anything, the older I get the more prominent certain traits are becoming. All for the better I suppose. If only I could find a 32 question quiz that would give me a nice little formula for like, what kind of boys I'm supposed to like and date. Ha, thats a post for another day.

Anyways, here is my little score analysis. Take it too, it only take a sec, let me know you're results, I'm curious.