New York City.

Saw this shirt at Urban Outfitters.
Nothing could be more true.

What I wore: Fall 2010.

This little part of my blog always makes me laugh because it makes you guys laugh. I mean, full disclosure?? yes. I take these pictures on my blackberry. hahaha

These are mostly of work clothes, a couple nights out (ie: the neon leopard I wore to the La Roux concert) and school clothes.

Don't worry.... Winter 2010/11 will follow!

What I wore: Summer 2010.

I completely stopped this portion of my blog because I never had time to do it. However, I was going through my phone a couple days ago and was dying over the amount of outfit pictures I do take... like, a lot of the. It usually so that I can send it to someone for the OK, but it was funny none the less. So, even though it's slightly embarrassing, whatever, Act like you don't snap pictures of yourself/your outfits too! Whatever. Here it is: Summer 2010, What I wore (Cellphone pictures addition.) 

Goodbye, Butler.

This is my boyfriend, Butler on our last night out, Tuesday, April 27th.

 

Look how happy and thrilled I am to be here.

 

Study snacks

 

Stack of articles recycled after I finished that last paper.

 

 The freakin creepy ass person who lives in the library after hours. Oh hey, it's 5am. Go home.

They've cut me loose.

Here I am, way downtown around battery park. My internship had a training at DHS this morning. Instead of going up to the Bronx this morning, I went down to 33 Beaver Street myself. No problem because blackberry is amazing and google maps is a lifesaver.

I have a client who I recently got placed at a safe haven down in Manhattan on Bowery st (think location of the old CBGB). So, the training ends and here is the conversation:

Doug: so you're going over to the Andrews?
Me: um, ya. I'd like to go.
Doug: you know how to get there.
Me: (silence). I can get there. Sure.


Backstory--- I mentioned before, my internship is a mobile unit. I have an office, but we do a lot of stuff using the 5 company cars. I have become a champion passenger since I don't have driving privileges. I mean, I got over my pretty much constant car sickness AND my need to sleep while someone else drives.

Even MORE backstory-- its time for my mid-semester review. Like I've mentioned before, my school is very touchy feel-y and Doug and I have to have an hour long oral dialogue about where I think I'm at, where he thinks I'm at and a slew of other awkward-ass things. Needless to say, I am less that excited. Being evaluated is so uncomfortable. It doesn't help that Doug is a CUSSW alum, he's only 27 and he's someone who, in my real life, I'd want to be friends with/ wanna make out with a little. Hahahaha. I die.

Ok. Back to the real story--

So he cut me loose. And I know this is a "how-independent-self-sufficient-is-this-intern" test. And I am up for it. I just got to the canal street stop and I might jump off and go get me somethin fake right quick....

Actually, just got to my real stop. Wish me luck! I hope to prove myself with Doug and my co-workers...and to myself as well. I do live here now, and I can't hide out in the UWS and Hunts Point forever. Its all about branching out for the second semester...


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Feelings are not my Forte.

A major part of the MSW curriculum at Columbia is the completion of 2 year long externships. One that the school picks for you during the first year, and in the second year you pick your own. This year I am placed at this agency in the Bronx called Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB) and I am working with a program called Homeless Outreach Team (HOT). The program is extremely successful in that they have a very high rate of permanent housing placements and the percent of street homeless has decreased by 41% in the last year. OK, that's enough of my shameless plug, haha. I'm not going to pretend like I don't know what the obvious next question is. Something to the effect of "What exactly is Seshie doing working with homeless people" (??) No worries. I have asked myself that a million times. I mean, you all know me, I'm a little bourgie, let's just be honest. I feel like the Office of Field Advisement could SMELL the entitlement on me, could see my upturned nose through my application--- and honestly it is the best thing that could have happened to me, not just for my education, but for my life. This placement, and this program have become the most challenging but rewarding things I have ever done... Ok, let me back up.

What am I doing?
I am officially a social work intern and Caseworker with HOT. My supervisor is a CUSSW alum and he works with me daily, helping me to improve my skills, develop a professional identity, and overall guiding me through the 1st year placement. I have a client load of individuals who have all be defined as street homeless for a minimum of 6months. My job is to help them get housing, and, because I'm an MSW candidate, there is am emphasis on the clinical needs of my clients as well.

What makes this harder for someone like me (besides the obvious, and the brutal 7am commute) is the fact that Columbia is not effing around with us. They have challenged everything I believe, all the values I have and are slowly but surely forming a social worker. I guess they didn't get their reputation as "The First and the Finest" for nothing.

One of the things I have to do are these Process Recordings. Where I copy down a engagement I've had with a client as close to verbatim as possible, as a dialogue. Then in another column I say what my gut feelings and thoughts are, and in the 3rd column I list what skills I use in the conversation. At the end I have to state my observations, overall assessment and analysis, and my plan for follow up. I know it doesn't seem like much, but imagine then having you supervisor go over it with you and discussing it as you go. I'm lucky my supervisor is as awesome as he is, but this process is PAINFUL for me! I'm not a very outwardly emotional person, and so discussing my FEELINGS is damn near asking me to bust out some Japanese or something. I have to turn in 2 a week, and we sit for upwards of an hour talking about them. It's getting a little bit easier, but I guess I never knew this program would be such a challenge on every non-academic front known to man.

This is the most I've ever pushed myself or been pushed, and I'm amazed that I'm more or less ok with it and actually enjoying the process. Its funny because the things about me that I consider "set" and "that's just how I am" are the same things that I have got to face in order to do well here.

For example: in my Foundations of Social Work class we spend 1 hour in lecture, 1 hour being the "client" while another student is the "social worker" and the last hour the roles are reversed with a new partner. Well we had our first session last week. During the oh-too-fun verbal feedback session my partner gave me wonderful, high marks on everything...except for in 3 areas. She said "You're saying all the right things, but it doesn't exactly sound sincere. Because I know how you are (that effing phrase) I know you aren't fake... But as a client...its more difficult" Um. Kick me in the nuts a little harder please. Haha nah, I'm grateful for the feedback and I know exactly what she means. Its like the time I met one of SM's friends from Durham and he realized I worked with his cousin. I reply "ah! That's crazy. I'm so excited to meet you." And his response? "Wow. That was the least sincere thing I've ever heard." I died because, I was being serious (!!) Idk if you know it or not, but ', 'cold' and 'aloof' are NOT how a social worker wants to be described. The irony of the situation is that these traits are the same ones that cause me difficulty in relationships and in friendships (especially now ones). My new friends can't decide how to interpret my cold and blunt demeanor at first. One of the first nights me and all my new girls hung out, we were all a lil tipsy and I suppose I said something. Out of nowhere Morgan says "You have an ice box where your heart used to be" I laughed at first b/c like, she quoted Omarion!...but surprise, she was drunkenly serious. FML
In relationships, I'm magically "over it" in a matter or days, or I have no explanation or commentary for questions like "what are you feeling?" The inevitable "let's talk about _______." Leaves my mind blank. I have close to no interest in having THAT kind of talk. Ever.

So, this personality of mine, which has been just fine for the past my whole life, is now needing some serious tweaking... And I sort of have no clue what that will be like. So if I call you up, wanting to talk about feelings, or you find my tone and cadence filled with inflection and expressive tones, don't be alarmed... I'm just progressing...its all long overdue anyways, I just never thought my Master's degree would depend on this...yikes.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A little housekeeping

I've had all this free time on my hands this week since we're in the city and E lost her license. School hasn't started yet, and I've been posting a ton lately. I'm not sure if I'll keep up as much when school starts, but I'd imagine I will at least try, since I enjoy posting, it's fun, and I know people with jobs, and who are also in grad school who are great at regular postings.

With that being said, I was thinking of turning OFF the email alerts that some of you are receiving. I know how much it sucks to be in the middle of texting or bbming and your blackberry/iphone buzzes and--- Oh Hey, surprise! It's nothing but another effing blog post.

I haven't had anyone complain thus far, in fact it seems to be a little convenient for those of you who don't use google reader or follow Statelylady on twitter, but who knows.... Anyways, Leave me a comment and let me know if you still want them, (or, if you're not getting them, I guess let me know if you do want them??). I know housekeeping is lame, but I want to KEEP my friends, not become some a-hole spammer.

thats all! OK, bye.

NYC advice.

SM: Ok I'm watching law and order
SM: And you need to get pepper spray asap
SM: And don't get into a cab that offers you a half fair
Me: Hahahahaha awww

-Via BBM

My Beef with girls: Life Lessons from White Oleander.

This post has been a work in progress over the weeks. It started after a particular wall post I go from a girl who isn't even my friend, many talks with various friends, watching E! news, and reflecting a bit on my own relationship style in the past and what that means for me currently and in the future.

A little sidebar. Here are some emotions you should not feel while reading this: a) personal attack. get real. I'm not talking to any to or about anyone specifically, but rather a type. It just so happens that a lot of girls are this type. oh well. If for some reason you get that deja vu feeling that we've had this conversation before.... we probably have. So you're not surprised-- ergo, you're not upset. If you are upset, be upset with yourself, not me haha. b) bad for me. The most wasteful thing in the world is pitying someone else. I do it more than I like to, and I absolutely hate someone feeling sorry for me. Please. Thats where this post originated from. Some girl who's phone number isn't even in my cell, deciding to feel bad for me. c) any other emotion, really. You guys know me. I'm consistent with my opinions. More than that, I'm really not mean. take it with a grain of salt, I'm part way joking, but mostly it's written with a serious tone--- with a slight undertone of a joke. real slight. Almost not even there.

I remember reading this book back in high school, excellent read--- but this post isn't about the book.

I was this post on that tumblr I love, and nearly flipped this morning. I finally felt like I could take this post out of the "drafts" a post it.

There is a part in the book where the main character is visiting her mother (who is in jail) and she give her this little pearl of advice:

Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space, the best you can do is know yourself, know what you want.

....and the people say, AMEN. JM&J! This is one of the most true statements I have ever heard. I don't fully understand what makes girls behave as they do, and I suppose that is the beauty of individuality, however, the type of girl this quote describes is the complete opposite of girl I think of myself to be. So, imagine my growing frustration/confusion with this kind of girls. Some famous examples?

Jessica Simpson. Marrys Nick Lachey. Leaves him, has a string of boyfriends who she smothers (Tony Romo, John Mayer) and in between her break ups processed to gain obvious "I hate myself because I'm single again" weight and is seen in all of the tabloids looking unhappy, sour, and pathetic. Where is her career? Example 2: Lindsey Lohan. Dates Samantha Ronson. She becomes a giant clinger, at all of Ronson's DJ-ing gigs, runs around in leggings and see through tank tops-- no bra. Loses more and more weight so she and Rosons can be twins, with Lohan in said leggings and Ronson is skinny jeans and giant tennis shoes. They break up, Lindsey embarrasses herself on her twitter and every other possible public venue. Restraining orders, more drunken coked up debacles... and all the while, she still can't work because she gave up her life and compromised herself for her relationship.

More?? Amy Winehouse (talented as hell, dates and marries "blake incarcerated" and is hooked on black tar heroin, crack rocks, booze. Is a dirty toothless, scab covered skeleton with a nappy weave and no career.) Usher (in this situation, he is the stupid bitch. not his soon to be ex wife. had a legit career, gets caught up with this old lady who is his stylist. Fires his mom, marries said old lady, gets her preg. TWICE. she has secret plastic surgery in another country and almost dies--- and now they are divorcing. And where, pray tell, is his career??) Jennifer Anniston (lost BRAD PITT to Angelina. That is awful. Please have the dignity to pick yourself up and stop dating people and being dumped over and over. and stop being Rachel from friends please, thanks.), Jennifer Lopez (takes another woman's husband-- and he is a loser, and her career is a joke because she only does his lame ass projects and he isn't relevant and neither is she.) I could go on and on, and unfortunately I could add to this list the majority of my friends.

I'm on no high horse, trust me. I've been this girl before involved in this type of BS shenanigans, letting my self worth and value in life be defined by the guy I'm with. That never goes well. I'd never do it again, and, I honestly feel bad for others who are in this situations. Mainly for the ones who don't know it-- actually, it could possibly be worse for girls/guys who DO know it (but thats a life lesson for another rainy day).

I had this conversation with a good friend, MO'C. She and I are cut from the same cloth. Nice girls, lots of girl friends, blah blah blah-- oh, and don't forget: the made-of-steel walls up guarding ourselves, specifically our hearts. Like myself, MO'C understands a fundamental truth about life. You only have yourself at the end of the day. Why would you lay down and become a doormat, on on-call ego stroke for some guy? Why would you be seen out with someone who is embarrassing/annoying/rude/degrading/insulting/ugly/ immature/cheats on you/boring/ignorant/out of shape/poorly dressed/poorly groomed/disrespectful/ doesn't like your friends/your friends don't like him/cheap/lazy/non committal/blurred family boundaries? If you want to feel like shit, treat yourself life shit. If you're lonely, go out in public, If you "just want someone there" go jump off a bridge. Girls who use relationships as the two feet they stand on make me angry. What does that say about girls who don't? is there something wrong with being single and self sufficient? This brings me to this: written on my wall some months ago.

What is that? Why is that 1)something you're concerned with, girl-I-wasn't-even-friends-with-in-high school? 2) why is it on my WALL? are you on Crack. do you not understand that if I didn't have a blackberry I wouldn't have seen that message for days because Who really uses the computer version of Facebook anymore, AMIRITE? (I am obsessed with that little mash-up phrase now!) Honestly, that wallposting alone was the starting point for my whole what the eff, girls feelings that I've been having. I swear.

Another friend who is the epitome of standing on her own two is RSJ. One thing I hate is when someone asks your advice, does the opposite, then runs back to you, wanting help cleaning up the mess. with RSJ its the complete opposite. This is usually how it goes:

RSJ: I'm thinking of doing [insert activity that may or may not be a good idea]

Me: ... I don't know, RSJ... this is probably a shitty idea because of x,y,z

RSJ: [later] well, I decided to do _______. It was a bad idea, dammit.

And we move on.

Accountability and commonsense goes a long way.

To round out this life-lesson/rant: I actually don't really care what anyone does with any guy or girl. At the end of the day, it isn't my problem or concern. What does sadden/enrage me is watching my friends go through life and have no clue of their own self worth or personal value. These are the kinds of girls who become women, married to the wrong guy-- the one she settled for. Popping out babies and living a shitty life where they continue to lose themselves in a guy.... But it doesn't really matter, because they didn't take the time to find out who they were in the first place.

Ok, Cyber hugs to you all. End Of Rant.