Email Forwards.

I got this e-mail forward at work once. I really hate that sort of a thing...at my last just people in the office who I never even talked to would send me them. The ones that irked me where the scary ones like "little girl is dying, then God sent an Angel and she lived. Message: be an angel. Now send this to 10 of your friends." The fuck outta here. That shit is terrifying to me on some end-of-days, 2012 level of fear.
Anyways, at my current office there is a staff size of 13. 5 are women. I have next to nothing in common with these girls, but I always try...! So I get a forward from the admin. Assistant girl about how being a woman in the bathroom sucks. Because I don't have any other real way to engage with these girls. The least I can do is read an reply with the standard " LMAO. OMG, girl! All of that was SO true! :-)" so, I read the forward. It goes through this long (and decidedly not funny,) series of unfortunate events like the ever-so-scary; "there's not toilet paper in here" but the smart and savvy woman in the email had a "crumpled Kleenex" in her purse-- treat! Or how "squatting over the urine covered toilet is the only for of exercise of the day". There was a part in the email where the lady sees that the stall has no hook for her purse and so she is left with no choice. She puts the purse around her neck. I distinctly remember rolling my eyes about that. I mean.... It's just kind of really stupid....err.... And practical.
After seeing SATC2 with SM & Jcam in Durham, we went to the bathroom before we left. I check every stall and each of them looks like a Port-o-potty, which is alarming because last time I checked, the movie theater was an indoor facility. I thought I'd wandered into a music festival...or a construction site. Anyways, I find the most clean stall and you know proceed to go in. I notice there is no hook and I had the A-HA moment where I remembered the e-mail chain at work. So my genius ass puts the bag around my neck. Well. The momentum of the swinging bag (that, and me trying to take a picture of my bathroom antics) caused me to lose balance, pissing all over everything but the actual water in the toilet. Shamed to death, basically. Luckily there was enough toilet paper from every other trashy bitch who some how missed the bowl and threw theirs on the floor, that I felt no real guilt about the pee incident. (PS: no pee got on me). I guess those work forwards do have some merit after all....

Butler Library Chronicles: Wireless Balls.

 Today was day three at Butler Lib. I was listening to Pandora  and it kept timing out. So it gives me this message about how my internet connection isn't strong enough. OK, first of all, what? second of all... I'm in the undergraduate reading room (fail) third of all, I just don't like whats going on. So I check the connection, and I AM connected to the schools wireless. But then I look at the locked network under it.

*dead*. Also.... who the hell is "fabulous Muscles"?? Sir, can you please not name your wireless network that? Anyways, the ball sack/cock thing made me laugh and sort of reminded me of this story.

Alright that's it from the Library... more later. I'm not free til the 29th.

Unfortunate Events.

Just when I started to think that I'm too boring to keep my blog going much longer, my usual life Tom Foolery picks back up. Check this.

So tonight (Thursday) the banker made an impromptu stop at my apartment. The sock drawer on my bed was broken. Now I'm a regular Betty-the-Builder, but I couldn't fix this by myself, the way it was broken. Good ole Banker. He fixes it with no problem, sawdust kind of flying every where, but whatever. About 20 minutes later I look over at him and he has this lil raised stop on his cheek. It sort of looks like a zit. Honestly? Why first thought was "where the eff did this zit grow from?" Like, Banker's got freakishly clear skin (part of the reason he's a certified dime!) So this zit was a little outlandish. Whatever though, zits it happens to everyone....

10 minutes later Banker has a coughing fit. I'm like... Seriously don't die on me. He's complaining that his throat feels strange, tight and itchy. he's been battling some sort of cold so you know, we dismissed it.

Not more than 5 min. Later look at his face and inform him that his face is breaking out in hives.

Hives.

So first comes the hydrocortisone cream. Then I search for Benedryl but don't have anymore (all I have it zyrtec, which I think might work, but I wasn't sure) so I send him to Rite-Aid and home, his face covered in 8 big ole hives and his back itching up a storm.

So I'm sitting around, call up Cynth. And a few min. Into the conversation, I look at the spot I've been scratching nonchalantly... Son of a B, I'm breaking out in hives. So what do I do? Sit there like a dumb ass, playing on farmville, and dicking around.

I laugh to myself thinking about how my girl Morgs told me to stop posting things about my Farmville on Facebook b/c she's shamed for me....then I realize my throat is mad tight. Welp. I'm dying.

Ok, not dying. But hello, I don't have Benedryl. FML, seriously, why would I set myself up to die b/c of the sawdust on the damn drawers?

Of course Cynth is ride-or-die and she googles Zyrtec while I take a cold shower. She let's me know that the Zyrtec will hold it down just like my old friend Bene. In hindsight, all my off label abuse of Benedryl as a sleeping agent is exactly why I didn't have any tonight when I needed that shit....

Anyways. I fill Sam in. We laugh at how pathetic we are. (Last time I saw him I threw my back out like somebody's old-ass granddaddy, and he was over here with a stuffy nose/fever/cough/sore throat treating it with only Theraflu like a little ass kid.) To make matters worse, I'm in bed itching/dying. He's at home and as per his last text message: " Damn I swallowed a halls that wasn't fully done. So it's dissolving slowly... Ugh!! Shldv chewed it first...." He isn't really doing much better. Tomorrow I have my Agency holiday party up in the Bronx... And after I'm going with Sam to his office holiday party. All I know is my hives better go away.

This is the kind of mess I'm talking about. Oh well, it will be funny sometime next week I guess....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Long and Winding Road: Fails and Victories.

Ya'll I am just trying to get home for thanksgiving. That plan just got its balls chopped off after a series of unfortunate events:

Go catch the M60 bus at 7:00pm. It was supposed to take 40min, getting me to LGA a good hour before my flight, 8:45pm. Right?

Fail#1 M60 didn't come at 7:00. It came at 7:22pm
Fail#2 the bus was creepin over some M-Fin bridge. Pulls up to LGA at 8:30pm
Fail#3 I run to counter, and the guy promptly plays my face on some "girrlll you ain't gettin on THAT plane" and I'm all "diva bitch, don't make this worse than it is."
Victory#1 Some Boss Bitch pipes in that my flights delayed and that I CAN get on it. Ballin
Fail#4 so hungry, but I decide on chex mix because I was plannin to Eat Like A BEAST when I got home.
Fail#5 I get on plane. Pass out. Wake up and, Oh! Hey Girl! We haven't moved. Fuck.
Fail#6 we depart at 10:10pm. I was supposed to board in Philly at 10:15pm.
Fail#7 watching my flight to RDU pull off. Without me on it.
Victory#2 they put us up me up in some hotel, new flight at the crack of ass o'clock in the morning.
Fail#8 I walked into the hotel at 12:02am. The bar and grille closed at 12:00am. Hence my Raisinets dinner.

Despite it all, I am SO ready to be where my family is. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

E's birthday and the pictures to prove it.

My sister, E turned 27 on Tuesday. She's also in the SSW, and so we're both super busy. I decided to throw E a surprise birthday party last Saturday. What I decided to do was enlist my friend Morg, and E's friend Bekah to help me pull it off. Morgan helped me plan and came early to help me set up, and Bekah occupied E long enough to surprise her. Here are some pictures.

Here is the kitchen counter as I was setting up. A little bit of food, and the blender is pulled out because I decided to blend up some dank margies.
The amazing flowers my family sent E. I helped my Mom pick them out and the Florist, located in Harlem, hooked it up.
E came back from dinner in Little Italy around 11:0pm. This is when she first turned the lights on.
And Here is the Birthday girl when everyone jumped up and surprised her!

We had an amazing night, 12 or so girls came over, we hung out (until my crazy effing neighbor came up here, tryin to buck.... she was out of line) Then we went to this local spot called Moca Lounge. We got in there, promptly got a booth and some guy pourin up mad shots. The DJ must have known we were coming because he played club banger after club banger, like all the best of the southern rap. At one point they were playin Damn! by young bloodz.

Imagine this scene: 12 girls wildin out at this like sit down sort of lounge.... The song breaks and there is a part where the lyrics go "Don't start no Shit, won't be no Shit!!" and that repeats for a bunch of counts. So we're there, getting redic. and next thing you know, it's Knuck time. Like, somehow these female bouncers tried to flex on us, told us to stop missbehaving... next thing... we're in the street. And here is a tiny bit of the evidence, post removal. They don't even tell the full story, but all I can say is the next morning we were all sorry for partying, E had an amazing birthday, and we probably can't show our faces at the neighborhood spot for a little while....

It's 3am. Yup. I have a beer in the street. Nope, it's not legal here.

just to clarify...

I've been posting pictures as regularly as possible to facebook (even though I am starting to really not like it, too many bells and whistles...). As many of you know, I'm really bad at tagging pictures or writing captions because it's time consuming and I never know what to say in the captions. I realize the confusion that causes when stalking pictures because obviously people are on the look out for pictures of my new friends, and specifically this new boy, am I right.

a couple things that I died over:

8:20pm---

"Your lack of captions is making it hard for me to tell if the new guy is in your facebook album"

-- Bex, via text

And from Facebook--

BKE, EC, and Bex have inspired me to clean up my act on facebook, most definitely. And, just for the record:

-- The Banker doesn't "understand" facebook or myspace (I don't get myspace either....) So he doesn't have one, doesn't want one, literally is clueless about it. Furthermore, he thinks he isn't photogenic, so he doesn't like candid shots... or posing for them. AND, lets be honest, he knows what girls like us (me?) do with pictures... send them to other people, obv.

He is well versed on just about every friend I've ever had and is very set on making a good first impression, so if you ever call me and I'm with him, he most likely will want to talk to you, or pass some message through to you. Meeting my friends is something he takes pretty seriously (he doesn't get how a pictures doesn't equate to meeting, haha) So much that he was planning a trip the weekend SM visits and is currently trying to reschedule. he knows my friends = family to me, and to win with me, you gotta win with them! The feeling is mutual though, I am scared to meet his mom, didn't meet a couple of his friends one night b/c I had beast of a zit... silly girl stuff, but real stuff none the less.... Ok, that was a super long sidebar. my b.

There is one picture of him on facebook. (Please see exhibit A) His camera shyness is clearly in a conflict of interest for me, because I'd pose for a picture at the drop of a hat. So, please, imagine this BSS scenario:

Monday Night: The Banker and I have just gotten back from this cuban place where we were having drinks. E isn't home yet and so we beat her there. (E and the Banker are pretty much BFF, just fyi) Oops-- backstory: my mother is totally dying over the lack of info she has on the banker. I mean, i divulged all his "looks good on paper" info, but I had no picture and she had no like visual. So earlier that night she's all like "snap a picture! " and I'm like... "um... ok." (read: "um... no.")

ok, back to real time: So E gets home and is on the phone as she walks in 5 min later shes like "so.... our mom wants you to take this picture so I can send it to her." Die. Seriously, I DIE at that moment. Like, WHO DOES THAT?! ahhahaha it was just like, wow. So he debates for a while, (blazer, no blazer. smile, no smile) After about 15 minutes of E explaining a Southern Mother, he caves. And we pose for the grainiest, low budget, shit picture on earth. My mom loves it, however, and E had a great time torturing the kid. It was all in all hilarious though. SM is coming to visit me in a couple of weeks and I've already begun prepping him for the paparazzi like photo sessions that occur among old friends/drunken sorority girls. We'll see how he does. I assure you, despite the shit hole quality picture a couple of you received, the guy is a freakin Dime. Like.... pretty much regularly when I'm with him I'll be chatting and then I'm like "oh word?? I seriously am hanging with this Dime?"

So. Thats the story behind the lack of pictures (the the confusing pictures of me and other boys) I pretty much promise that the minute I get him in a legit, taken-with-a-real-camera picture, I'll share. Best guy friend Karl met him a couple of weekends ago... and according to SM and Grace, he knows his first sighting was very important to those back home... so, in the mean time, just ask him hahaha.

Exhibit A-- My girl KB was just snappin pictures at The Heights one night. There is a montage of ones similar to this one, all hilarious, but you can see how well the harmless candid shots picture turned out...

(he isn't that short, he's just sitting on a bar stool and I'm sort of standing up on my stool)

What I'm Wearing 09.14.09

Cardigan--H&M

Shirt-- H&M

Jeans-- James Jeans

Loafers-- Isaac Mizrahi for Target

I have to be at the School of Social Work all day for a preparation for field placement thing. Not gonna lie, while I get the importance, I totally don't want to go. I'm a little OD'ed on these seminars and trainings. I'm sure I will be 100% grateful for it when I'm knee-deep in bullshit shenanigans later in the semester, but right now... I'm just wanting to watch my DVR to catch Mad Men and Entourage from last night....

My Beef with girls: Life Lessons from White Oleander.

This post has been a work in progress over the weeks. It started after a particular wall post I go from a girl who isn't even my friend, many talks with various friends, watching E! news, and reflecting a bit on my own relationship style in the past and what that means for me currently and in the future.

A little sidebar. Here are some emotions you should not feel while reading this: a) personal attack. get real. I'm not talking to any to or about anyone specifically, but rather a type. It just so happens that a lot of girls are this type. oh well. If for some reason you get that deja vu feeling that we've had this conversation before.... we probably have. So you're not surprised-- ergo, you're not upset. If you are upset, be upset with yourself, not me haha. b) bad for me. The most wasteful thing in the world is pitying someone else. I do it more than I like to, and I absolutely hate someone feeling sorry for me. Please. Thats where this post originated from. Some girl who's phone number isn't even in my cell, deciding to feel bad for me. c) any other emotion, really. You guys know me. I'm consistent with my opinions. More than that, I'm really not mean. take it with a grain of salt, I'm part way joking, but mostly it's written with a serious tone--- with a slight undertone of a joke. real slight. Almost not even there.

I remember reading this book back in high school, excellent read--- but this post isn't about the book.

I was this post on that tumblr I love, and nearly flipped this morning. I finally felt like I could take this post out of the "drafts" a post it.

There is a part in the book where the main character is visiting her mother (who is in jail) and she give her this little pearl of advice:

Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space, the best you can do is know yourself, know what you want.

....and the people say, AMEN. JM&J! This is one of the most true statements I have ever heard. I don't fully understand what makes girls behave as they do, and I suppose that is the beauty of individuality, however, the type of girl this quote describes is the complete opposite of girl I think of myself to be. So, imagine my growing frustration/confusion with this kind of girls. Some famous examples?

Jessica Simpson. Marrys Nick Lachey. Leaves him, has a string of boyfriends who she smothers (Tony Romo, John Mayer) and in between her break ups processed to gain obvious "I hate myself because I'm single again" weight and is seen in all of the tabloids looking unhappy, sour, and pathetic. Where is her career? Example 2: Lindsey Lohan. Dates Samantha Ronson. She becomes a giant clinger, at all of Ronson's DJ-ing gigs, runs around in leggings and see through tank tops-- no bra. Loses more and more weight so she and Rosons can be twins, with Lohan in said leggings and Ronson is skinny jeans and giant tennis shoes. They break up, Lindsey embarrasses herself on her twitter and every other possible public venue. Restraining orders, more drunken coked up debacles... and all the while, she still can't work because she gave up her life and compromised herself for her relationship.

More?? Amy Winehouse (talented as hell, dates and marries "blake incarcerated" and is hooked on black tar heroin, crack rocks, booze. Is a dirty toothless, scab covered skeleton with a nappy weave and no career.) Usher (in this situation, he is the stupid bitch. not his soon to be ex wife. had a legit career, gets caught up with this old lady who is his stylist. Fires his mom, marries said old lady, gets her preg. TWICE. she has secret plastic surgery in another country and almost dies--- and now they are divorcing. And where, pray tell, is his career??) Jennifer Anniston (lost BRAD PITT to Angelina. That is awful. Please have the dignity to pick yourself up and stop dating people and being dumped over and over. and stop being Rachel from friends please, thanks.), Jennifer Lopez (takes another woman's husband-- and he is a loser, and her career is a joke because she only does his lame ass projects and he isn't relevant and neither is she.) I could go on and on, and unfortunately I could add to this list the majority of my friends.

I'm on no high horse, trust me. I've been this girl before involved in this type of BS shenanigans, letting my self worth and value in life be defined by the guy I'm with. That never goes well. I'd never do it again, and, I honestly feel bad for others who are in this situations. Mainly for the ones who don't know it-- actually, it could possibly be worse for girls/guys who DO know it (but thats a life lesson for another rainy day).

I had this conversation with a good friend, MO'C. She and I are cut from the same cloth. Nice girls, lots of girl friends, blah blah blah-- oh, and don't forget: the made-of-steel walls up guarding ourselves, specifically our hearts. Like myself, MO'C understands a fundamental truth about life. You only have yourself at the end of the day. Why would you lay down and become a doormat, on on-call ego stroke for some guy? Why would you be seen out with someone who is embarrassing/annoying/rude/degrading/insulting/ugly/ immature/cheats on you/boring/ignorant/out of shape/poorly dressed/poorly groomed/disrespectful/ doesn't like your friends/your friends don't like him/cheap/lazy/non committal/blurred family boundaries? If you want to feel like shit, treat yourself life shit. If you're lonely, go out in public, If you "just want someone there" go jump off a bridge. Girls who use relationships as the two feet they stand on make me angry. What does that say about girls who don't? is there something wrong with being single and self sufficient? This brings me to this: written on my wall some months ago.

What is that? Why is that 1)something you're concerned with, girl-I-wasn't-even-friends-with-in-high school? 2) why is it on my WALL? are you on Crack. do you not understand that if I didn't have a blackberry I wouldn't have seen that message for days because Who really uses the computer version of Facebook anymore, AMIRITE? (I am obsessed with that little mash-up phrase now!) Honestly, that wallposting alone was the starting point for my whole what the eff, girls feelings that I've been having. I swear.

Another friend who is the epitome of standing on her own two is RSJ. One thing I hate is when someone asks your advice, does the opposite, then runs back to you, wanting help cleaning up the mess. with RSJ its the complete opposite. This is usually how it goes:

RSJ: I'm thinking of doing [insert activity that may or may not be a good idea]

Me: ... I don't know, RSJ... this is probably a shitty idea because of x,y,z

RSJ: [later] well, I decided to do _______. It was a bad idea, dammit.

And we move on.

Accountability and commonsense goes a long way.

To round out this life-lesson/rant: I actually don't really care what anyone does with any guy or girl. At the end of the day, it isn't my problem or concern. What does sadden/enrage me is watching my friends go through life and have no clue of their own self worth or personal value. These are the kinds of girls who become women, married to the wrong guy-- the one she settled for. Popping out babies and living a shitty life where they continue to lose themselves in a guy.... But it doesn't really matter, because they didn't take the time to find out who they were in the first place.

Ok, Cyber hugs to you all. End Of Rant.

The journey to New York part 1

As predicted, there was gonna be some serious BS shenanigans going on for this trip. I knew it. So, Here we go. SM and I went out for Grace's birthday the Saturday night before. We planned to only stay out til 12. as usual, at 12 we were heading to another bar. We get all mixed up between Kashmir and Sullivans, and end up meeting Denny and Courtney for a drink at thee latter. We don't leave Raleigh til 1:30 or so. go fig. So I get home and pack/weep til 3am. I wake up at 6:30, take my last shower shower at home, and pack the last of it up. best-guy-friend Karl is coming over at 9 to pick up the Uhaul and drive me to Washington DC. BS-Senanigans #1: best-guy-friend-Karl is supposed to have his best friend Lucas help load the truck. For reasons way to irritating to explain, Lucas backs out. Awesome. Rude, thoughtless little pig. I start to freak. I am litterally driving, texting and calling at the same time. I am cash poor on a Sunday, looking for some loser willing to make a quick buck by loading my crap. The guy who cuts my parents grass (and who i've know since I'm 5) comes through in the clutch. He gets the car loaded up with Karl in 25 minutes. The only casualties of the pack were: my nightstand (broken), my bookshelf (left behind), and my big house plant (I still can't talk about it because I'll cry). Karl and I get on the road at 12:05. He doesn't follow my GPS at first and is U-turning all up in this bitch like we're in a sedan. but I digress. The ride was with no complaint. I organized my blackberry, screamed at Karl for texting-not-driving, and played a rousing game of F,M, or K. BS-Shenanigans #2: as we enter the city (all of 4 miles from E's apartment) we miss our turn and go down 17th street. Surprise! 17th street is a "no truck zone" so we see that sign... and see all the construction and our country asses assume they are talking about Mack trucks, dump trucks, idk, bulldozers.... We see a cop turn behind us and Karl and I joke about how much it sucks to hear those sirens come up behind you. 3 minutes later? Woop Woop Woop. we get pulled. not by the DC Metro cops but by the true life, no lie SECRET mugfug SERVICE. yup. blah blah blah it sucked, I was stressed, Karl was calm... but they give him a ticket for the moving violation, $75.00 and 2 points on his license. Sucks, but no biggie, right? Wrong. Karl already has an inappropriate amount of points on his license because of past bad behavior. So. Thats great. Karl, you're going to G-D jail.

We get to DC, our professional movers get everything in the truck and it's beautiful.

E, my mom and I go binge eat at our favorite mexican spot, go home, to sleep. All thats left in the apartment are 2 cots (which I brought from NC). So, somehow here I am with my no meat having hips or ass, sle

eping on hardwood floors. Somewhere at 5am I switch to the cot. We left

for NYC at 9:15 on Monday morning, and I'll have to continue the story a little later.

(pictures are of me pumping gas in the Uhaul in Dinwiddie, Va,

the effing price to fill up the truck, and 2 pictures of the back of the profe

ssional movers

truck, sunday

night (look at my pretty plant there in the bucket!)

What the Hell.

My body clock is still set for 6:20am, despite all of my efforts to push it back, most mornings I wake up, then, when I realize the time, I am pissed. What exactly am I in a hurry to do all day? worry about my future? Well, it's 7:13am and this is the cause of my triple-a today.

I wake up to 3 emails on my blackberry. 1 from a guy: " Saw your patio furniture listing, am interested. Is it still available" -- Kosh. I respond back.

The second email. Subject: " Info Needed contacted back."

The third email. Subject: "Needing more info on ad. forsale."

this is the message contained in both:

Saw your ad, hope you don't mind that I wanted to share what happened
to me with you. I'm a very down to earth person and am always looking
to help people out for the better.

It is a tough time we live in with the poor economy and rising
unemployement rates. I was in a very tough situation like a lot of
other people until I came across this spassets.co.cc. They paid my
loans off in full and are helping me get through these rough patches
until I can find a job. I highly recommend you check it, it could
change your life around...

Um... I guess thats a little fucking alarming. Like I read both emails and then immediately panic. I'm googling Spassets.co.cc. I am digging through my yahoo account trying to figure out what the fuck they are talking about.

So I respond back to them saying that I'm doing research for an article because I am a writer... because ALL i can think is "I am going to jail. fuckkk." all this panic and I wasn't even sure what the hell i'd done in the first place.

I forward an email to SM and am literally shaking as I send it. Afterwards, however, it hits me. I am being retarded. So I google the hidden craigslist email to which these 2 douchebags responded to.

this is what came up. Its me alright. Me and my patio furniture. I posted that shit yesterday because I DO NEED TO SELL IT. I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PORCH IN NEW YORK.

So imagine me, 6:48am confused as hell. I go to the little spasets.co.cc website. This is what popped up. get out of Debt?!

Why is this happening to me? I am seriously too fucking busy with trying to get my life together. Waking up at 6:20 and having e-mail thugs bang bang bang bangin on my Craigslist post is annoying. No, I am not in any damn debt. If I was, stranger 1 and stranger 2, I do not need your little 2 cents on how to get out of said debt. Did I mention that the emails came at 4:49am and 5:01am? So these to assholes were in cahoots. The truth is the emails scared me! They were all out of context, made no sense and read like a flyer the Mormons or Jehovah's Witnesses. I don't need my "life turned around." Damn. didn't know it was so wrong that I'm trying to get my hussle on.